Tuesday, October 30, 2007

an SEC violation

Readers who are fortunate enough to see this before the start of trading are advised to make the appropriate portfolio adjustments with their broker. Looks like P&G stock is going to be going on the rebound...

Monday, October 29, 2007

on the relationship between necessity and invention

October 29, 2007
Los Angeles - Two Pups Historical Society Press

The Pup Science Institute (formerly known as the Institute for Advanced Puppology) has created a new device that offers a cure for the troublesome and occasionally highly inconvenient problem of canine toiletpaper-phagia.

The device is an improvement on the existing toilet paper stand, which is currently the standard deterrent device. Researchers have discovered that the stand is effective for approximately 50% of puppies but it has a major loophole that can be exploited.

While few puppies will disturb a roll of paper placed on the stand, any paper that is accidentally nudged off the precarious perch and which rests on the floor is considered public property and promptly disposed of. The Pup Science Institute was forced to act when researchers discovered that two pups acting in concert will inevitably collaborate on a complicated ruse whereupon the target is casually-on-purpose knocked from its resting place. Later, both dogs return to the scene of the crime and celebrate by making confetti.

The first prototype for the Improved Canine Toiletpaperphagia 6000 was a large and unsightly behemoth.

After almost 24 hours of research and testing, a sleeker, more modern design emerged triumphant.

Dr. Einsten von Edison, leading canine/toilet paper behaviorist at the institute believes that this invention will be a paradigm shift in the relationship between man, dog, and tp. Stock in Charmin's parent company P&G plummeted 28% to a 23 year low after the press conference, closing at 13.26.

All Hallow's Eve

Halloween costume teaser!

Friday, October 26, 2007


October, it seems, is a terrible time for puppy blogging. After an extended duration of slackassery, we now come upon the start of vacation time. Expect lots of lounging around,

reclining under large umbrellas in the sun,

and nibbling on fresh fruits.
But very intermittent blogging.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007


Rocky: wants you to always let your conscience be your guide.

Arthur: mugged a little boy and stole his balloon.


To the people who have happened upon this blog in search of a "discrimination quiz", I offer my most sincere apologies. This is not the place you want to come to if you wish to test your impartiality. This blog is pro-discrimination, a celebration of prejudice, a paean to bias and inequality, a devotion to contrast with no regard for compare. Even-handed neutrality has no home here, and anyone who has come seeking affirmation of their own nondiscriminatory nature is in the wrong place.

This is a refuge on the vast internet for those that revel in their prejudice, who not only care if you are a Golden Retriever or a Golden Pilferer, but work to expand the divide between the two groups.

Oh internet, where would the petty and narrow-minded be without you?

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

with apologies to Philo T. Farnsworth



In the darkness, we see a man stumbling around as he gets ready for work. He reaches groggily for his clothes when...

MAN: Ahhhhhh!! Oh noes!

He stumbles to the bedroom, cradling an unknown object in the gloom. We hear choked sobs coming from his direction.


Uniformed police are examining the crime scene. Lt. Bill Schmuck enters and addresses the room.

SCHMUCK: What's the story?

A young lackey leaps to his feet and approaches him.

LACKEY: It's pretty gruesome, sir. Brown full grain leather, looks like a size 11, 11 and a half. Such a pity. Fleece lined too. Probably warm as hell. Crime scene has been disturbed, remains were moved here from the living room.

Schmuck bends down and sniffs. We see the grisly scene for the first time:

SCHMUCK: Smells new. Couldn't have been purchased more than a day ago. Two max. Any leads?

LACKEY: None as of yet, sir. There are a set of muddy footprints leading away from the site. Being sent to the lab for analysis right now.

The lieutenant stands up to face the camera and squints in an unconvincing portrayal of deep thought.

SCHMUCK: Looks like our sheepish maniac...
(dramatic pause)
...is on the lam!



Sunday, October 14, 2007

just a hunch

I know, it's weird, right? Ever since I signed them up to the Time Reliant Active Indoctrination Network they've been really well behaved around me. When they have TRAINed they are so easygoing and agreeable that it's almost as if they are know in advance what I expect from them. For some reason TRAINing seems to elevate the ambient SCF levels by overwhelming levels, but aside from that, there seem to be no documented ill effects. I am such a TRAINing enthusiast that I try to evangelize it at every turn. When you TRAIN with your dogs it's like they become completely different dogs. Crazy, I know!

Also, I never do this:

The ineffable lightness of walking.

This post will not have pictures.

Or humor.

When I sleep, when I wake from sleep, when I am going to sleep, I am walked upon by my pups. They move across the bed, hopping up to curl up with us, hopping down to get away from our too warm blankets.

Rocky steps up on the stool. He looks at the bed. He contemplates. He waits for us to ask him up, sometimes. He begins to walk. He stalks along the bed. He places his paw upon my leg gently. Lightly. He shifts his weight onto my leg slowly. Like a glacier reaming out the Earth Mother.

Ok. So there's humor.

He knows my leg is there. Does he stop?

He does not.

Slowly, gently, he crushes me in four square inches.

Then he exhales, and sitflops into a curl at my feet.

We sleep.

In the morning, he is gone. Sleeping on the floor. When I next move, Arthur notices. Arthur has all the subtlety of motion of a landslide. He jumps onto the bed. Often landing on me. He walks up me, I think because I'm more stable than the mattress. Each step is like a tiny, angry fist beating me into wakefulness. He is relentless, his every motion throwing out exuberance and joy.

When I'm on a trip, when I'm away, when Ronnie is left alone with the pups?

They let her sleep in.

Friday, October 12, 2007

we both are so excited

'cause we're reunited. Hey, hey.Oh delightful puppy brain, how good it is to have you back! It has been a harrowing last few days as we searched fruitlessly for your return. We looked for you in the cheese drawer. We peered behind squeaky toys and underneath tennis balls. We followed up on email leads pointing us to smoked turkey and chopped liver, but they too were maddeningly unproductive. We stayed awake nights dreaming about running in lush fields of wildflowers alongside you once more.

Reader, if you are ever faced with a similar situation, do not delay. We tarried too long dillying with sliced meats and dallying with beloved toys. Feel-good holistic hogwash. The only surefire way to recover a runaway brain of the canid variety is with pure old fashioned implications of the threatening variety. My particular weapon of choice was a viewing of Plague Dogs but many purists choose to stick with the tried and true Old Yeller. Either way, coupled with a stern finger wag and disappointed head shake, it is a guaranteed formula* to recouping a rampaging noodle.

*Formula not guaranteed. May cause dizzyness, nausea, a feeling of general malaise, disillusionment, and rapid onset bawling. Until you know how Plague Dogs will affect you, you should not drive or operate heavy machinery. Call a doctor if you experience an erection lasting more than 4 hours.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

a call for aid

I think I am still in shock. The disappearance occurred shortly before 8pm Wednesday night during a dog class in the park. I am absolutely devastated. Please be on the lookout and pray for a speedy return. The alternative is too horrible for me to even contemplate.

If you live in the Los Angeles area, please help by printing out this flier and posting it everywhere you can.

You've run away in the past but you always came back. I don't think I've ever been away from you for so long. Please come home.

Monday, October 8, 2007


Today is apparently International Cephalopod Awareness Day. Whyfore gooey slimy squids and octopodes? Whenst comes that holier day devoted to the noble Arthropods? Wherefore art that great phylum ignored, shunned, cast aside? Hie hence to the calendarist and demand proper representation!

Saturday, October 6, 2007


Rocky: camps in the great outdoors.

Arthur: camps for the ball.


Gaze ye upon the swirling maelstrom of the Arthur butt fluff in action and be mesmerized by its churning chaos.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

belated introductions

It occurs to me that the laconic guest blogger whose grand debut occurred well nigh a week prior has yet to be fully introduced. Who is this mysterious "Scott" who seems to speak with such familiarity towards this audience? What relationship has he to the two pups? What is it that he seeks? Is he a scholar? Time traveling puppy enthusiast? A stalker? Or merely a lonely man trying to bask in the reflected glory of two delightful pups? Friends, readers, perhaps we shall never know. There is a file in the archives of the Two Pups Historical Society that documents appearances of this strange interloper. Perhaps it is best left up to my fellow puppy classifiers to determine his cryptic role.