officially sanctioned

a dialogue

A: Hey Rocky.

R: Hey Arthur, why so blue?

A: I'm just so tired of having to do all this training. The boss lady is always making me go to classes. Hey...I never see you doing anything lately, and you're always getting away with shit that would get me a couple of hours in the hole. What's your secret?

R: I sent away for my AKC Canine Good Citizen Certification!

A: Canine Good Citizen? Will I finally stop being hassled for chasing and biting neighborhood children?

R: Yup! You'll never have to train again and you'll get treats just for sitting around! Call them, I'm sure glad I did!

that's Citizen Butthead to you

I'm told the certificate can be turned in at the local Animal Control for 5 free dog bites!

backdated

Arthur: appears in adolescent pictures with a big ole dome head.
Rocky: appears in adolescent pictures with a head that is generously referred to as heart shaped. But really, he has kind of a butt head, no?

inappropriate

Arthur: triangular shaped eyes that angle downward.
Rocky: almond shaped eyes that angle upwards. Or like the creepy guy at the park said, chinky asian eyes like mine.

brains

Arthur: takes his treat filled kong and runs off to his crate to finish in peace. Not very adept at emptying it of its full complement of tasty.

Rocky: is a kong cowboy samurai. Ingurgitates the entirety of his kong in mere moments and then uses the dreaded eyebrow attack to beg for more. When this does not work, he takes advantage of Arthur's greed to pull a dastardly caper. To whit: he brings his empty kong to the door of Arthur's crate and drops it purposefully, whistling and shuffling his feet in hyperbolic fashion. Arthur, unable to resist the temptation of stealing his brother's food, snatches the empty kong, allowing Rocky to saunter in and grab the full treat receptacle for himself while Arthur is none the wiser. He is currently in talks to star in Oceans 14.

the topic at hand

Arthur: normal complement of toes and nails.

Rocky: for an undetermined length of time lasting no less than several months, possesses one toenail less than the standard. Plucked out at the base, natch.

les prétendants

One handkerchief, worn two ways. (Wait...now this is a fashion blog??) Get your own handkerchief by passing the CGC today! Or do like Arthur and buy a knockoff from Canal Street.

Rocky: the babushka.
Arthur: the cub scout.

a day which will live in infamy

Rocky: officially recognized as a Canine Good Citizen by the AKC!
Arthur: wanted for attempted arson.

culmination

I think it's safe to call the two pup experiment a success. Don't you agree?

serendipity

Despite a flat tire en route to class that coupled with a forgotten cellular phone to create a most exhausting evening, a small spot of good fortune did prevail. One of the other attendants had a Weimaraner who just completed his championship, a most joyous occasion. This prompted her to bring dog biscuits and dog cake in celebration, which was shared amongst the class. Of course, realizing that this was a most fortuitous solution to my dilemma, I preserved the slice of cake for Arthur's festivities for the benefit of the few readers not already scared off by my wordsmithery. By the end of the long evening, the morsel, like my composure, was a little worse for wear, but gallant Arthur did not seem to mind.

simulacrum

A more detailed explanation of the lack of photos thus far:

The curious reader may be interested to know what exactly cow intestine and partially digested contents therein is like, and being a scholarly resource, I cannot but oblige. Imagine a bright sunny day, and lush, verdant grass as far as the eye can see. Now imagine a cow standing in the middle of said field. Today Bessie happens to be suffering from digestive upset and empties out the contents of her four stomachs, complete with gastric juices, after feasting on the delicate stalks of tender young grass (technically it's one stomach with four parts, but undaunted by such technicalities we continue). Due to a particularly bad spot of luck (of course, for the curious reader, this is wondrous luck indeed as it allows us to continue our mental exercise) the vomitus lands upon a fresh cow patty. The robust product of such a union will achieve a relatively accurate estimation of what green tripe actually is. For you see, the product contained in those deceptively appealing canisters covered with green grass, mountain ranges, and a lone wolf silhouette is approximately halfway between those two perfumed processes. Of course, green tripe also contains the intestinal wrapper of said contents so it is, compared to our vivid description, a trifle fleshier. Is it any wonder then that such a gastronomical delight is regarded so highly by those of the canine persuasion, and why also it is only during special holidays that it is consumed? As a final note to our gentle readers, fire is the only sacrament that is capable of removing the odor of tripe from hapless material belongings, so it is always recommended to have a bonfire going in case an errant drop splashes from the lid.

Weak-kneed readers who have persevered thus far but nonetheless are appalled by my over sharing should rejoice that I did not reveal the sole ingredient of that other much adored doggie favorite, the pizzle stick(sometimes referred to as a bully stick), instead.

unphotogenic

Today's post was going to feature the birthday pup posed prettily in front of a special birthday meal but none of the opulent courses featured thus far have been photo worthy. The much desired midnight raw beef course featuring many delightful internal organs was bloody and fairly misshapen and although the pups were quite enamored with the addition of a cucumber slice and a piece of the well loved pumpkin-and-tuna-baked-training-treat, I suspect that most readers would find themselves turning a bit green. The lunch meal of kibble, half a frozen banana, and some tuna fish also was well received, but again, while the canine population is fond of the sight and scent of kibble soaking in pungent tuna juice, the majority of puppy discrimination scholars would perhaps object. I suspect that the planned dinner, likely involving cow intestine and the partially digested contents therein will also not fail to impress, but will once more, be unsuitable for documentation. Thus, a proper photographic tribute for the day will have to be delayed until something more presentable, if less palatable to the canine gourmand, is found.

transformation

Meet the surliest pup of the west. This is actually his default nature.A familiar pose.
So euphoric! Breaks your heart a little to realize that the drug use started this early, doesn't it?
The car ride home. Starting to come down from the high.
OMG another puppy !!1!eleven! *

* You can't see Rocky's tail there but he was wagging so furiously that he actually sprained it. He spent the entire 2 weeks after homecoming day poaching from Arthur's stash and with his tail stuck in a weird cast/sling contraption**. Maybe that's why his tail is not so lush and luxuriant as Arthur's.

**You've never seen a dog with a tail in a weird cast/sling contraption? Eh, I'm probably lying.

origins

July, 2006. A nation slumbered, unaware of the pup revolution that was building. In mere months, lives would be changed. Forever.Two visionaries met in secret and conspired to bring a new Arthur to the masses.
It is said that shortly thereafter, they were rewarded with the first sighting of the microtongue. It was then that they knew that their labors would not be in vain.

festivities

This Wednesday marks a very special occasion. Accordingly, the puppy blog will be running a week long retrospective on the life and times of the littlest pup.

the tabloids, part two

Blind item : Which puppy-faced pooch was spotted out and about with brand new long blonde tail extensions?

tabloid mag for a day

It's pretty clear at this point that puppy blog will do anything for eyeballs so if it's trashy tabloid "journalism" people want, it's trashy tabloid journalism people get.


WELL, WELL, WELL....WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

Rocky Raccoon has been spotted recently by eagle-eyed readers looking a little more pneumatic. It looks like the elder pup was missing the spotlight after his younger brother started garnering all the press and decided to take it upon himself to enhance his chest. Granted, it's an impressive piece of work that's guaranteed to get him noticed. We hear Maxim magazine is knocking down his door right now with a hefty offer.

See below for pictures of the cuddly canine as a fresh faced ingenue before all the foolishness.

arthur signature: the actor's actor

A selected portfolio:

Merryl Streep in Sophie's Choice

Bashful in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Oliver Twist in Oliver Twist
Suspicious hard-bitten cop in Made for TV Crime Drama

rocky signature: the grassy roll

Unfortunately, the selected area is more likely to be fetid swampland than fresh boughs of pine branches in the heart of Big Sur --by a ratio of about 280:1 and growing. Currently no late night infomercials exist for powerful orange oil miracle cleansers designed to remove grass stains from fur. Not even at three easy payments of 29.95.