Sunday, September 23, 2007


Researchers at the Institute for Advanced Puppology have come up with an elegant theory of binary canine behavioral mechanics that has set the scientific community ablaze. M. Homard, with the aid of archivists at the Two Pups Historical Society, has discovered a startling correlation between the cordiality coefficient of a pup and an environmental disturbance he calls the SCF factor.

SCF is the collective name for a subset of malodorous gases that are emitted by some canids. While the presence of SCFs have been known for some time, it was Homard who first realized that SCF levels rise astonishingly in proportion to the cordiality coefficient. He devised a way to measure the SCF factor in a controlled setting by exposing laboratory mice to the toxic gasses while in a sealed room and counting the number knocked unconscious. The results were astonishing. Not even he could have predicted that SCF factors would achieve values as high as one thousand per cubic meter.

"I don't think anyone knew just how potent SCF emissions were," says Homard. "On the days that we achieved 9.5 cordiality or higher, the techs relied on a breathing apparatus to avoid headaches and nausea."

The discovery has prompted a myriad of questions and researchers are struggling to understand the relationship between SCF and cordiality coefficients. It is unknown at this time whether SCF causes increased affability directly or if SCFs are merely a byproduct of a more complicated process. Homard claims it shall be years before we truly understand the chemical reactions that tie SCF to behavior. This uncertainty has not stopped rising numbers of owners from plying their pups with SCF enhancers like provolone, cheddar, and mozzarella in an attempt to achieve stratospheric cordiality coefficients.

Readers are reminded that the use of provolone and other dairy products as a behavioral modifier is not regulated by the FDA. Due to the risk of injury or death by overexposure to SCF, people are urged to experiment in open areas with good ventilation.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home