puppy discrimination

migration

2009-06-04T01:01:00.000-07:00

New site up at http://raccoonandlobster.com. Slightly less defunct than this site!

sidebar

2008-09-10T17:29:00.000-07:00

When one is sick and tries to take one's own temperature, it is of the absolute utmost importance that even in fever-induced haze, one can tell the difference between the human-oral-thermometer and the canine-not-oral-thermometer.

(It took me a moment but I got it right)

civic duty

2008-09-05T16:12:00.000-07:00

Unsure of who to vote for this November? Politics inciting incoherent rage? Have you considered the only candidate endorced by both Rocky and Arthur? When it comes to blind loyalty, there is no greater pinnacle than the Pack Alpha:

Pack Alpha: endorsed by both hat wearing, shoe napping, clinically depressed Goldern Pilferers and milkaholic, manwhorey, celery eating, actor's actors alike.

gainful employment

2008-08-31T13:35:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, it appears that two gorgeous puppies can INDEED go broke relying on the kindness of strangers on the internet, and so it is with great dismay and reluctance that one golden retriever and one golden pilferer humbly submit their résumés for consideration.

Are you living in fetid squalor and unbearable feculence? Let the Boisterous Bulters come to your aid! Mr. Rock E. Raccon and Mr. Arthur O. Pod bring your the opulent servitude of yore, complete with bowler hat*.

Boisterous Butlers specializes in kitchen cleanup! Got dirty dishes? Especially dirty pancake dishes with gooey butter, fresh blueberries and maple syrup? Boisterous Butlers can help! Each dirty dish will be meticulously scrubbed by not one, but TWO butlers for the low price of two additional dirty dishes.

For a limited time, mention this blog when you call and get a 5 minute demonstration cleaning absolutely free! Boisterous Butlers will give your dishes that streak-free shine you crave using their patented eco-friendly water-saving methods.

Boisterous Butlers is not responsible for the whereabouts of dirty socks, stray tennis balls, or toilet paper after they are cleaned up. Customers are encouraged to purchase Under-the-Couch-or-possibly-the-Bed Insurance for an additional $5 per visit.

*Bowler hats available only by request. A two apple bowler hat fee will be charged.

compatibility

2008-08-30T11:01:00.001-07:00

Is this brush compatible with my puppy?

The new Sonicare toothbrush is truly an innovation in canine dental hygiene, but it is not compatible with all models of puppy. Please make sure that you purchase a puppy with the NEW! enhanced greed core such as the Arthurpup Mach I. Older models such as the Rockytron Fusion Extreme do not have the enhanced greed core and are should be upgraded as soon as possible. Attempts to use the Sonicare with the Rockytron Fusion Extreme may result in baleful looks, hiding behind toilets, and frustrated shakes of the head followed by slinking away.

To ensure that the greed core is on and functioning during your Sonicaring, use a toothpaste specially designed for this purpose, such as Beef (smells like beef!) and new Seafood (smells like rotting clams!).

To avoid a potentially fatal complication, do not use the Sonicare with Beef or Seafood with human food, water not from the bathtub faucet, while sentient, or if you are pregnant or may become pregnant. Tell your doctor if you experience thoughts of suicide after using Sonicare with Beef or Seafood.

concealing all the right places

2007-12-28T13:43:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure this means that the top of a puppy head is NSFW

altruism

2007-12-09T13:50:00.000-08:00

Much thanks to our first benefactor, Banan A. Republic for graciously providing the first donation to the Rocky and Arthur Puppy Sartorial Fund! Thanks to Mr. Republic's generosity, a pup in need has been matched with unnecessary yet undeniably charming winter headgear. Won't you follow in his footsteps and send in your donation today?

charitable giving

2007-12-07T11:45:00.000-08:00

'Tis the season for giving, but more importantly, for accepting graciously. And thus, in that vein, Rocky and Arthur blog is pleased to announce the formation of a non-antiprofit organization that accepts shrunken garments produced from tragic laundromat malfunctions and re-appropriates them to pups in need. For just pennies a day, you too can clothe a pup that is in dire sartorial need! When you contribute, you will receive a personalized photo of your pup wearing your garment, a dedicated blog posting, and the knowledge that you helped make a puppy's life a little more fashionable. And isn't that what the holidays are all about?

For more information, email rockyandarthur@gmail.com.

fiercest loyalties

2007-12-01T17:17:00.000-08:00

Just how strong are puppy loyalties?

Two words:
Electric toothbrush.

liveblogging the Thanksgiving Day game

2007-11-22T20:41:00.000-08:00

Rocky and Arthur do a re-enactment of select highlights of the Thanksgiving Green Bay vs Detroit game that is going on in real time. There's no chicanery here folks!*

With Arthur representing Detroit and Rocky playing as Green Bay.

2nd and 1 at GB 44
T.Duckett up the middle to GB 34 for 10 yards
Detroit ends the quarter 6-0 versus Green Bay.

3rd and 7 at GB 21
J.Kitna sacked at GB 27 for -6 yards!
Halftime ends with Green Bay leading 17 to 9.

I wasn't paying attention but Green Bay dominated this quarter 14-3 so I'm assuming they get a tackle in.

2nd and 6 at GB 6
J.Kitna pass short middle to C.Johnson for 6 yards, TOUCHDOWN.

Unfortunately the Detroit rally was insufficient and Green Bay wins 37-26.

Then all pups involved break and eat turkey, then take a tryptophan induced nap.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

*Note: looking at EXIF data of these photos to determine when they were taken is strictly against the terms of service and constitutes a violation of the DMCA. Also, it'd be rude and petty to contradict my statement of events. Events that are happening right now. This moment.

a perfectly punctual post

2007-11-15T16:19:00.000-08:00

The glorious beauty of the internet allows such tampering with temporal events!

Happy November 15th, everyone! I am ever so sorry as to allow a horrifying 8 days to pass since my last missive to the pup lovers of the world. Rest assured that such an embarrassment shall not occur again!

I have a fun post today celebrating the upcoming Thanksgiving festivities:

Paw turkeys!

Rocky:

Arthur:
Stay tuned for other timely posts about upcoming events!

brave new world

2007-11-07T10:45:00.000-08:00

If, following a terrible disaster, civilization was reduced to a dystopian rubble devoid of all methods of telling time, how would a benevolent caretaker determine when it was time to take a pup for a walk?

Arthur:
Rocky:

a return to form

2007-11-05T02:59:00.000-08:00

How I Spent My Late Autumn/Early Winter Vacation

Rocky: indicated my casual, relaxed manner with a new chapeau in a bright, cheery color but also acknowledged seasonal appropriateness by choosing a heavier weight fabric in wide wale corduroy. Consorted with friends and conversed on a number of interesting topics and supped at delightful local eateries. Above all else, remembered that good posture, like good manners, is never optional, even when on sabbatical. Cheerio.

Arthur: I got totally wasted dudes!

amateur cosmetology

2007-11-04T00:33:00.000-07:00

For the thrifty canine with a desire for self invention, do-it-yourself highlights are an easy way to stand out from the crowd.

Step 1- Align the desired area in front of the piping hot bathroom heater.
Step 2- Back slowly into the heater until your flesh is toasty warm.
Step 3- When you smell something burning, get up and walk away.
Step 4- Enjoy your frizzy new stripes!

Pro tip: condition thoroughly afterwards as the treated hair will be fragile and easily damaged.

of tricks and treats

2007-11-01T05:55:00.000-07:00

Arthur: dressed up as a regular lobster (instead of, y'know, a Rock Lobster)
Rocky: dressed up as Scott

an SEC violation

2007-10-30T04:32:00.000-07:00

Readers who are fortunate enough to see this before the start of trading are advised to make the appropriate portfolio adjustments with their broker. Looks like P&G stock is going to be going on the rebound...

on the relationship between necessity and invention

2007-10-29T20:53:00.001-07:00

October 29, 2007
Los Angeles - Two Pups Historical Society Press

The Pup Science Institute (formerly known as the Institute for Advanced Puppology) has created a new device that offers a cure for the troublesome and occasionally highly inconvenient problem of canine toiletpaper-phagia.

The device is an improvement on the existing toilet paper stand, which is currently the standard deterrent device. Researchers have discovered that the stand is effective for approximately 50% of puppies but it has a major loophole that can be exploited.

While few puppies will disturb a roll of paper placed on the stand, any paper that is accidentally nudged off the precarious perch and which rests on the floor is considered public property and promptly disposed of. The Pup Science Institute was forced to act when researchers discovered that two pups acting in concert will inevitably collaborate on a complicated ruse whereupon the target is casually-on-purpose knocked from its resting place. Later, both dogs return to the scene of the crime and celebrate by making confetti.

The first prototype for the Improved Canine Toiletpaperphagia 6000 was a large and unsightly behemoth.

After almost 24 hours of research and testing, a sleeker, more modern design emerged triumphant.

Dr. Einsten von Edison, leading canine/toilet paper behaviorist at the institute believes that this invention will be a paradigm shift in the relationship between man, dog, and tp. Stock in Charmin's parent company P&G plummeted 28% to a 23 year low after the press conference, closing at 13.26.

All Hallow's Eve

2007-10-29T06:17:00.000-07:00

Halloween costume teaser!

slackass

2007-10-26T06:21:00.001-07:00

October, it seems, is a terrible time for puppy blogging. After an extended duration of slackassery, we now come upon the start of vacation time. Expect lots of lounging around,

reclining under large umbrellas in the sun,

and nibbling on fresh fruits.
But very intermittent blogging.

principles

2007-10-24T22:48:00.000-07:00

Rocky: wants you to always let your conscience be your guide.

Arthur: mugged a little boy and stole his balloon.

apologies

2007-10-24T21:47:00.000-07:00

To the people who have happened upon this blog in search of a "discrimination quiz", I offer my most sincere apologies. This is not the place you want to come to if you wish to test your impartiality. This blog is pro-discrimination, a celebration of prejudice, a paean to bias and inequality, a devotion to contrast with no regard for compare. Even-handed neutrality has no home here, and anyone who has come seeking affirmation of their own nondiscriminatory nature is in the wrong place.

This is a refuge on the vast internet for those that revel in their prejudice, who not only care if you are a Golden Retriever or a Golden Pilferer, but work to expand the divide between the two groups.

Oh internet, where would the petty and narrow-minded be without you?

with apologies to Philo T. Farnsworth

2007-10-17T17:13:00.002-07:00

FADE IN:

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - EARLY MORNING

In the darkness, we see a man stumbling around as he gets ready for work. He reaches groggily for his clothes when...

MAN: Ahhhhhh!! Oh noes!

He stumbles to the bedroom, cradling an unknown object in the gloom. We hear choked sobs coming from his direction.

LATER --

Uniformed police are examining the crime scene. Lt. Bill Schmuck enters and addresses the room.

SCHMUCK: What's the story?

A young lackey leaps to his feet and approaches him.

LACKEY: It's pretty gruesome, sir. Brown full grain leather, looks like a size 11, 11 and a half. Such a pity. Fleece lined too. Probably warm as hell. Crime scene has been disturbed, remains were moved here from the living room.

Schmuck bends down and sniffs. We see the grisly scene for the first time:

SCHMUCK: Smells new. Couldn't have been purchased more than a day ago. Two max. Any leads?

LACKEY: None as of yet, sir. There are a set of muddy footprints leading away from the site. Being sent to the lab for analysis right now.

The lieutenant stands up to face the camera and squints in an unconvincing portrayal of deep thought.

SCHMUCK: Looks like our sheepish maniac...
(dramatic pause)
...is on the lam!

FADE OUT

OPENING CREDITS

just a hunch

2007-10-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

I know, it's weird, right? Ever since I signed them up to the Time Reliant Active Indoctrination Network they've been really well behaved around me. When they have TRAINed they are so easygoing and agreeable that it's almost as if they are know in advance what I expect from them. For some reason TRAINing seems to elevate the ambient SCF levels by overwhelming levels, but aside from that, there seem to be no documented ill effects. I am such a TRAINing enthusiast that I try to evangelize it at every turn. When you TRAIN with your dogs it's like they become completely different dogs. Crazy, I know!

Also, I never do this:

The ineffable lightness of walking.

2007-10-14T00:44:00.001-07:00

This post will not have pictures.

Or humor.

When I sleep, when I wake from sleep, when I am going to sleep, I am walked upon by my pups. They move across the bed, hopping up to curl up with us, hopping down to get away from our too warm blankets.

Rocky steps up on the stool. He looks at the bed. He contemplates. He waits for us to ask him up, sometimes. He begins to walk. He stalks along the bed. He places his paw upon my leg gently. Lightly. He shifts his weight onto my leg slowly. Like a glacier reaming out the Earth Mother.

Ok. So there's humor.

He knows my leg is there. Does he stop?

He does not.

Slowly, gently, he crushes me in four square inches.

Then he exhales, and sitflops into a curl at my feet.

We sleep.

In the morning, he is gone. Sleeping on the floor. When I next move, Arthur notices. Arthur has all the subtlety of motion of a landslide. He jumps onto the bed. Often landing on me. He walks up me, I think because I'm more stable than the mattress. Each step is like a tiny, angry fist beating me into wakefulness. He is relentless, his every motion throwing out exuberance and joy.

When I'm on a trip, when I'm away, when Ronnie is left alone with the pups?

They let her sleep in.

we both are so excited

2007-10-12T15:28:00.000-07:00

'cause we're reunited. Hey, hey.Oh delightful puppy brain, how good it is to have you back! It has been a harrowing last few days as we searched fruitlessly for your return. We looked for you in the cheese drawer. We peered behind squeaky toys and underneath tennis balls. We followed up on email leads pointing us to smoked turkey and chopped liver, but they too were maddeningly unproductive. We stayed awake nights dreaming about running in lush fields of wildflowers alongside you once more.

Reader, if you are ever faced with a similar situation, do not delay. We tarried too long dillying with sliced meats and dallying with beloved toys. Feel-good holistic hogwash. The only surefire way to recover a runaway brain of the canid variety is with pure old fashioned implications of the threatening variety. My particular weapon of choice was a viewing of Plague Dogs but many purists choose to stick with the tried and true Old Yeller. Either way, coupled with a stern finger wag and disappointed head shake, it is a guaranteed formula* to recouping a rampaging noodle.

*Formula not guaranteed. May cause dizzyness, nausea, a feeling of general malaise, disillusionment, and rapid onset bawling. Until you know how Plague Dogs will affect you, you should not drive or operate heavy machinery. Call a doctor if you experience an erection lasting more than 4 hours.

a call for aid

2007-10-10T22:02:00.000-07:00

I think I am still in shock. The disappearance occurred shortly before 8pm Wednesday night during a dog class in the park. I am absolutely devastated. Please be on the lookout and pray for a speedy return. The alternative is too horrible for me to even contemplate.

If you live in the Los Angeles area, please help by printing out this flier and posting it everywhere you can.

You've run away in the past but you always came back. I don't think I've ever been away from you for so long. Please come home.

exclusionary

2007-10-08T19:02:00.000-07:00

Today is apparently International Cephalopod Awareness Day. Whyfore gooey slimy squids and octopodes? Whenst comes that holier day devoted to the noble Arthropods? Wherefore art that great phylum ignored, shunned, cast aside? Hie hence to the calendarist and demand proper representation!

definitions

2007-10-06T14:29:00.001-07:00

Rocky: camps in the great outdoors.

Arthur: camps for the ball.

emphasis

2007-10-06T14:06:00.001-07:00

Gaze ye upon the swirling maelstrom of the Arthur butt fluff in action and be mesmerized by its churning chaos.

belated introductions

2007-10-02T16:50:00.001-07:00

It occurs to me that the laconic guest blogger whose grand debut occurred well nigh a week prior has yet to be fully introduced. Who is this mysterious "Scott" who seems to speak with such familiarity towards this audience? What relationship has he to the two pups? What is it that he seeks? Is he a scholar? Time traveling puppy enthusiast? A stalker? Or merely a lonely man trying to bask in the reflected glory of two delightful pups? Friends, readers, perhaps we shall never know. There is a file in the archives of the Two Pups Historical Society that documents appearances of this strange interloper. Perhaps it is best left up to my fellow puppy classifiers to determine his cryptic role.

the moving pictures

2007-09-28T13:09:00.000-07:00

Caution: the first 15 seconds are basically all puppy butt.

On the perils of being a raging liar.

2007-09-27T23:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when you love your audience very much, you have to lie to them. Not little lies, lies so great and raging that they would destroy nations.

ronnie told you such a lie when she suggested, nay, promised, that I would be guest blogging within one solar day.

Friends, never believe a word she says. The last time she told me to look out for a train, was there a train there?

No. No there was not.

Thus, in the spirit of being able to discriminate between puppies, I give you:Inquisitive.
Coy.

You decide which is which.

degeneracy

2007-09-25T01:24:00.000-07:00

Four days without posting followed by a tortuously verbose post that is a thinly guised fart joke (belated spoiler warning!) without a punch line. And that really isn't even all that funny. It is clear that rockyandarthur blog has fallen into decline, and much like ancient Rome, will enter a period of grotesque decadence and uninhibited savagery before its untimely demise. Thus, in the spirit of dragging out this shameful display and bringing the maximum allowed amount of of uncouth wantonness, there will be a surprise guest blogger introduced tomorrow.

longwinded

2007-09-23T08:56:00.000-07:00

Researchers at the Institute for Advanced Puppology have come up with an elegant theory of binary canine behavioral mechanics that has set the scientific community ablaze. M. Homard, with the aid of archivists at the Two Pups Historical Society, has discovered a startling correlation between the cordiality coefficient of a pup and an environmental disturbance he calls the SCF factor.

SCF is the collective name for a subset of malodorous gases that are emitted by some canids. While the presence of SCFs have been known for some time, it was Homard who first realized that SCF levels rise astonishingly in proportion to the cordiality coefficient. He devised a way to measure the SCF factor in a controlled setting by exposing laboratory mice to the toxic gasses while in a sealed room and counting the number knocked unconscious. The results were astonishing. Not even he could have predicted that SCF factors would achieve values as high as one thousand per cubic meter.

"I don't think anyone knew just how potent SCF emissions were," says Homard. "On the days that we achieved 9.5 cordiality or higher, the techs relied on a breathing apparatus to avoid headaches and nausea."

The discovery has prompted a myriad of questions and researchers are struggling to understand the relationship between SCF and cordiality coefficients. It is unknown at this time whether SCF causes increased affability directly or if SCFs are merely a byproduct of a more complicated process. Homard claims it shall be years before we truly understand the chemical reactions that tie SCF to behavior. This uncertainty has not stopped rising numbers of owners from plying their pups with SCF enhancers like provolone, cheddar, and mozzarella in an attempt to achieve stratospheric cordiality coefficients.

Readers are reminded that the use of provolone and other dairy products as a behavioral modifier is not regulated by the FDA. Due to the risk of injury or death by overexposure to SCF, people are urged to experiment in open areas with good ventilation.

continuity

2007-09-18T13:15:00.000-07:00

Having apparently taken this to heart, Arthur decided to make a showing at a conformation match on Saturday in the hopes of earning some respect.

End result: a ribbon for Best of Breed and one for 4th place in Group. Which all sounds pretty impressive for a novice pup except for one crucial bit of information: he was the best Golden Retriever not because there was no one goldener or retrieverer, but because there was no one. Period. I suppose we should be grateful no one decided to shame him by entering a llama with a haircut or a coffee table covered in shag carpet.

bearing and demeanor

2007-09-14T14:05:00.000-07:00

Arthur: Heyyy dudes. Ya wanna go like hang out?
Rocky: Atten-HUT! Left face! March!

the derriere part two: the rumpening*

2007-09-13T19:15:00.001-07:00

Arthur:

Rocky:

What more needs to be said?

* Blame Scott for that one.

liveblogging

2007-09-11T19:10:00.000-07:00

For anyone watching outside the house at around 6:58pm the pup that did the Looney Tunes-style running skid* was none other than Fats McGee.

*You know the one I'm talking about: four legged animal starts running, the front legs stumble but the hind legs are still going at full speed so the front half goes down in a cloud of dust but the animal continues to be propelled forward by the hind legs that are now spinning faster and faster to keep up with the sliding torso. A few short seconds later, the front legs catch up and move forward as if nothing happened and only a few errant grass stains stand as testament to the event.

boogeymen

2007-09-10T15:57:00.000-07:00

The Arthropod hides amidst the plumbing, waiting to terrorize poor souls trying to use the bathroom:
The evil Raccoon lurks under the bed, biding his time until nightfall to nibble off tender fingers and toes that escape over the edge:

philosophy of food*

2007-09-07T12:55:00.002-07:00

Rocky: gazes deep into your eyes, smiling like your best buddy in the world. He's your best buddy, why wouldn't you let him eat his dinner? If that doesn't work, the smile ventures into greasy car salesman territory before it is gone forever, replaced by the sleepy godfather gaze, the calm exterior hiding the savageness within. If you wait this long to let him have his food, beware that no fingers and toes are in his way.

Arthur: eternal optimist, despite his sad, sad eyes. Stares at the food laid out in front of him, willing it to crawl inside his mouth. As time goes on, his head sinks lower and lower, pulled earthward by the tractor beam between his mouth and the food. A parenthetical observation about Muhammad and the mountain is appropriate here. If you wait long enough, his head will eventually touch the food, at which point he will decide that it would be rude to bar such delectable morsels entry into his stomach and surreptitiously attempt to eat it without you noticing.

*I am entitled to congratulations for not spelling that "phood" or "filosophy". It was hard, but I resisted.

written verse

2007-09-05T14:37:00.000-07:00

Rockbert Herrick:

To the Puppies, to Make Much of Time

Gather ye daisies while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles to-day,
To-morrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may go hump:
For having lost but once your prime
You may for ever grump.

William Arthur Williams:

This is Just to Say

I have eaten
the daisy
that was in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast.

Forgive me
it was delicious
so leafy
and so cold.

one year ago

2007-09-04T16:16:00.000-07:00

First Labor Day/Birthday party ever.

Today has been a dizzying whirlwind of broccoli, rabbit ears (surprisingly greasy and looks exactly like you would imagine), and other treats to celebrate fatty pup's Homecoming.

pure fan service

2007-09-04T00:43:00.000-07:00

12:42 am. After the thoroughly exhausting hours-long effort of being adorable at the Labor Day party, Arthur is the one snoring like a drunken sailor after 2 bottles of rum and a salty wench.

arthur signature: pig snorts

2007-08-29T14:52:00.000-07:00

History is made as the first ever audio post is made! Brave adventurers risked life and limb (mostly limb) to produce the world premiere broadcast of Arthur snuffling for truffles.

rocky signature: droolius caesar

2007-08-26T08:22:00.000-07:00

Like most hagfish, Rocky is remarkably adept at oozing gooey slime. However, instead of using this ability to defend against predators, he produces it when food is present to create devastatingly slick spots on the floor such that his heartless captors will slip and fall, allowing him access to the coveted treats.

inevitable disturbing followup

2007-08-25T10:13:00.000-07:00

dental hygiene

2007-08-24T17:16:00.000-07:00

Rocky: is fairly content with poultry flavored enzymatic toothpaste.

Arthur: adores poultry flavored enzymatic toothpaste and would eat it for dinner if he could. Thinks that getting his teeth brushed is the best thing ever. The second best thing is hovering while Rocky's teeth are being brushed and licking the toothpaste off of his teeth as I am brushing them. Snorfling noises reminiscent of a pig rooting for truffles are optional.

I wish I had pictures. Then I could charge $3.99 a month for the first 3 months and $10.99 for each additional month. Until the feds arrest me for tax evasion.

famous quotes

2007-08-23T03:09:00.001-07:00

I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met my pups who had twice as many feet and still no shoes and gave them mine to pose in.*

Rocky: sensible Danish clogs in a practical Mary Jane style. Non-slip, non-marking sole. Excellent arch support.

Arthur: delicate stiletto heels in an ankle breaking 4" height. Note that he's not actually resting weight on his feet. That's because they're secretly killing him. But don't they make his paws look fabulous? Great for when the dreamy wolfhound next door drops by.

* Runners up for famous shoe quotes included:

- The shoe-buyer's puppies go bare-pawed.
- Rocky Raccoon did everything Rock Lobster did but backwards and in really ugly but comfortable clogs.
- Do not judge a pup until he has walked a mile in your shoes that you put on his feet in order to have something to post to your blog on the internet.

unsurprising

2007-08-16T15:15:00.000-07:00

This far into the course, findings like these are more or less expected, no?

Rocky: contemplative, civilized, and literate.

Arthur: bad to the bone. B-b-b-b-bad.

foolproof

2007-08-15T14:50:00.000-07:00

Always at the forefront of cutting edge pup identification technology, rockyandarthur blog is featuring the first incontrovertible, irreproachable, authoritative puppy identification device ever devised by man. After years of study based on the known tenets of the science of pup discrimination, scientists have discovered the failsafe identification algorithm, the celery matrix:

Supporting evidence for this world-shattering breakthrough soon to be published in Nature can be seen in the following figures.

Arthur: devours his celery stalk.

Rocky: bites and spits.

exuberance

2007-08-13T17:28:00.000-07:00

Arthur: I'm pretty excited, I guess I can loll my tongue a little, perhaps. For a little while.
Rocky: uncontrollable tongue sprawl at the slightest provocation.

redacted

2007-08-10T16:30:00.000-07:00

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Pursuant to the post dated Monday, July 23, 2007 2:25 PM:

The puppyblog has been informed that a full recall is being made of above post and all claims, assertions, and affirmations contained wherein are to be completely forgotten except when necessity dictates its use as an effective guilt trip mechanism. A government census has indicated that all residents of Chez Raccoon and its subsidiary, The Lobsteria, are currently outfitted with the full complement of toes and furthermore, fulfill all sanitation and safety requirements for their USDA designation as industrial pig farms.

live from the scene

2007-08-09T15:36:00.001-07:00

As news of legislative impropriety hits the airwaves, puppyblog is here to offer exclusive scandalous pictures of the transgression from our embedded reporter.

Image enhancement and zoom of the shot reveals a startling breach!

The Senator Rock E. Raccoon III is has pirated the trademark tail curl of one Fats McGee. Especially perverse given that the Senator has recently co-sponsored a bill that would increase the punishments for such trademark violations.

Apparently the distress of such infringement was so great that it drove the zaftig aqua-phobic little pup into the frigid depths of the Pacific Ocean, his only solace in the retrieving of his faithful bumper.

As an independent news source for puppy updates, rockyandarthur blog is not in the business of offering judgment on the private lives of individuals. However, when an elected official reveals himself to be so rife with hypocrisy as to legislate penalties for civilians while abusing his power and position to indulge in those very activities, it seems that there should be consequences. No matter how many black labs may have been present upon that beach.

pup quiz answers, annotated version

2007-08-06T12:28:00.001-07:00

1. Fats McGee.
2. Arthur left, Rocky right. Difference in fur color makes this an easy question.
3. Rocky left, Arthur right. Popped ear and giant fluffy tail are the giveaways.
4. The flat head of one Senator Rock E. Raccoon III, PhD, Esq, CGC.
5. Portrait of the Senator as a young man. The straight teeth are a clue.
6. Tricky! Unknown lab on the left, Rocky on the right.
7. Golden herrings. All strange dogs.
8. The tail hook can belong to only one fatty pup.
9. A Golden Pilferer in action.

official documentation

2007-08-02T11:06:00.001-07:00

Application for name change B526-1

Given name: Rock Lobster
New name: Fats McGee

Reason for name change: porkosity

Effective date: immediately

pop quiz

2007-08-01T16:56:00.001-07:00

This is a pop quiz to see what you have learned over the course of the last couple of months. Identify the puppies in the images below. It will be 30% of your final grade. As even Scott was not able to get a perfect score, it will be graded on a curve.

officially sanctioned

2007-07-31T00:01:00.000-07:00

a dialogue

2007-07-30T15:27:00.000-07:00

A: Hey Rocky.

R: Hey Arthur, why so blue?

A: I'm just so tired of having to do all this training. The boss lady is always making me go to classes. Hey...I never see you doing anything lately, and you're always getting away with shit that would get me a couple of hours in the hole. What's your secret?

R: I sent away for my AKC Canine Good Citizen Certification!

A: Canine Good Citizen? Will I finally stop being hassled for chasing and biting neighborhood children?

R: Yup! You'll never have to train again and you'll get treats just for sitting around! Call them, I'm sure glad I did!

that's Citizen Butthead to you

2007-07-30T14:01:00.001-07:00

I'm told the certificate can be turned in at the local Animal Control for 5 free dog bites!

backdated

2007-07-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

Arthur: appears in adolescent pictures with a big ole dome head.
Rocky: appears in adolescent pictures with a head that is generously referred to as heart shaped. But really, he has kind of a butt head, no?

inappropriate

2007-07-26T13:03:00.001-07:00

Arthur: triangular shaped eyes that angle downward.
Rocky: almond shaped eyes that angle upwards. Or like the creepy guy at the park said, chinky asian eyes like mine.

brains

2007-07-25T01:19:00.000-07:00

Arthur: takes his treat filled kong and runs off to his crate to finish in peace. Not very adept at emptying it of its full complement of tasty.

Rocky: is a kong cowboy samurai. Ingurgitates the entirety of his kong in mere moments and then uses the dreaded eyebrow attack to beg for more. When this does not work, he takes advantage of Arthur's greed to pull a dastardly caper. To whit: he brings his empty kong to the door of Arthur's crate and drops it purposefully, whistling and shuffling his feet in hyperbolic fashion. Arthur, unable to resist the temptation of stealing his brother's food, snatches the empty kong, allowing Rocky to saunter in and grab the full treat receptacle for himself while Arthur is none the wiser. He is currently in talks to star in Oceans 14.

the topic at hand

2007-07-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

Arthur: normal complement of toes and nails.

Rocky: for an undetermined length of time lasting no less than several months, possesses one toenail less than the standard. Plucked out at the base, natch.

les prétendants

2007-07-16T16:43:00.000-07:00

One handkerchief, worn two ways. (Wait...now this is a fashion blog??) Get your own handkerchief by passing the CGC today! Or do like Arthur and buy a knockoff from Canal Street.

Rocky: the babushka.
Arthur: the cub scout.

a day which will live in infamy

2007-07-14T23:38:00.000-07:00

Rocky: officially recognized as a Canine Good Citizen by the AKC!
Arthur: wanted for attempted arson.

culmination

2007-07-13T00:51:00.000-07:00

I think it's safe to call the two pup experiment a success. Don't you agree?

serendipity

2007-07-11T23:20:00.001-07:00

Despite a flat tire en route to class that coupled with a forgotten cellular phone to create a most exhausting evening, a small spot of good fortune did prevail. One of the other attendants had a Weimaraner who just completed his championship, a most joyous occasion. This prompted her to bring dog biscuits and dog cake in celebration, which was shared amongst the class. Of course, realizing that this was a most fortuitous solution to my dilemma, I preserved the slice of cake for Arthur's festivities for the benefit of the few readers not already scared off by my wordsmithery. By the end of the long evening, the morsel, like my composure, was a little worse for wear, but gallant Arthur did not seem to mind.

simulacrum

2007-07-11T22:41:00.000-07:00

A more detailed explanation of the lack of photos thus far:

The curious reader may be interested to know what exactly cow intestine and partially digested contents therein is like, and being a scholarly resource, I cannot but oblige. Imagine a bright sunny day, and lush, verdant grass as far as the eye can see. Now imagine a cow standing in the middle of said field. Today Bessie happens to be suffering from digestive upset and empties out the contents of her four stomachs, complete with gastric juices, after feasting on the delicate stalks of tender young grass (technically it's one stomach with four parts, but undaunted by such technicalities we continue). Due to a particularly bad spot of luck (of course, for the curious reader, this is wondrous luck indeed as it allows us to continue our mental exercise) the vomitus lands upon a fresh cow patty. The robust product of such a union will achieve a relatively accurate estimation of what green tripe actually is. For you see, the product contained in those deceptively appealing canisters covered with green grass, mountain ranges, and a lone wolf silhouette is approximately halfway between those two perfumed processes. Of course, green tripe also contains the intestinal wrapper of said contents so it is, compared to our vivid description, a trifle fleshier. Is it any wonder then that such a gastronomical delight is regarded so highly by those of the canine persuasion, and why also it is only during special holidays that it is consumed? As a final note to our gentle readers, fire is the only sacrament that is capable of removing the odor of tripe from hapless material belongings, so it is always recommended to have a bonfire going in case an errant drop splashes from the lid.

Weak-kneed readers who have persevered thus far but nonetheless are appalled by my over sharing should rejoice that I did not reveal the sole ingredient of that other much adored doggie favorite, the pizzle stick(sometimes referred to as a bully stick), instead.

unphotogenic

2007-07-11T16:25:00.001-07:00

Today's post was going to feature the birthday pup posed prettily in front of a special birthday meal but none of the opulent courses featured thus far have been photo worthy. The much desired midnight raw beef course featuring many delightful internal organs was bloody and fairly misshapen and although the pups were quite enamored with the addition of a cucumber slice and a piece of the well loved pumpkin-and-tuna-baked-training-treat, I suspect that most readers would find themselves turning a bit green. The lunch meal of kibble, half a frozen banana, and some tuna fish also was well received, but again, while the canine population is fond of the sight and scent of kibble soaking in pungent tuna juice, the majority of puppy discrimination scholars would perhaps object. I suspect that the planned dinner, likely involving cow intestine and the partially digested contents therein will also not fail to impress, but will once more, be unsuitable for documentation. Thus, a proper photographic tribute for the day will have to be delayed until something more presentable, if less palatable to the canine gourmand, is found.

transformation

2007-07-10T02:56:00.001-07:00

Meet the surliest pup of the west. This is actually his default nature.A familiar pose.
So euphoric! Breaks your heart a little to realize that the drug use started this early, doesn't it?
The car ride home. Starting to come down from the high.
OMG another puppy !!1!eleven! *

* You can't see Rocky's tail there but he was wagging so furiously that he actually sprained it. He spent the entire 2 weeks after homecoming day poaching from Arthur's stash and with his tail stuck in a weird cast/sling contraption**. Maybe that's why his tail is not so lush and luxuriant as Arthur's.

**You've never seen a dog with a tail in a weird cast/sling contraption? Eh, I'm probably lying.

origins

2007-07-09T02:51:00.000-07:00

July, 2006. A nation slumbered, unaware of the pup revolution that was building. In mere months, lives would be changed. Forever.Two visionaries met in secret and conspired to bring a new Arthur to the masses.
It is said that shortly thereafter, they were rewarded with the first sighting of the microtongue. It was then that they knew that their labors would not be in vain.

festivities

2007-07-09T02:34:00.001-07:00

This Wednesday marks a very special occasion. Accordingly, the puppy blog will be running a week long retrospective on the life and times of the littlest pup.

the tabloids, part two

2007-07-06T21:53:00.000-07:00

Blind item : Which puppy-faced pooch was spotted out and about with brand new long blonde tail extensions?

tabloid mag for a day

2007-07-06T15:43:00.000-07:00

It's pretty clear at this point that puppy blog will do anything for eyeballs so if it's trashy tabloid "journalism" people want, it's trashy tabloid journalism people get.

WELL, WELL, WELL....WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

Rocky Raccoon has been spotted recently by eagle-eyed readers looking a little more pneumatic. It looks like the elder pup was missing the spotlight after his younger brother started garnering all the press and decided to take it upon himself to enhance his chest. Granted, it's an impressive piece of work that's guaranteed to get him noticed. We hear Maxim magazine is knocking down his door right now with a hefty offer.

See below for pictures of the cuddly canine as a fresh faced ingenue before all the foolishness.

arthur signature: the actor's actor

2007-07-02T13:55:00.000-07:00

A selected portfolio:

Merryl Streep in Sophie's Choice

Bashful in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Oliver Twist in Oliver Twist
Suspicious hard-bitten cop in Made for TV Crime Drama

rocky signature: the grassy roll

2007-07-02T13:41:00.002-07:00

Unfortunately, the selected area is more likely to be fetid swampland than fresh boughs of pine branches in the heart of Big Sur --by a ratio of about 280:1 and growing. Currently no late night infomercials exist for powerful orange oil miracle cleansers designed to remove grass stains from fur. Not even at three easy payments of 29.95.

impersonation

2007-06-29T13:53:00.000-07:00

Rocky: old, fat Elvis.
Arthur: skinny, young Elvis. After a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

orthodontics

2007-06-29T13:44:00.000-07:00

Rocky: textbook perfect teeth, maintains proper dental hygiene by flossing regularly.

Arthur: has hobo teeth just like his dad. Saving up for Invisalign.

locomotion

2007-06-28T15:00:00.000-07:00

Arthur: tripod
Rocky: biped

VICTORY!!

2007-06-28T14:53:00.000-07:00

litigation

2007-06-26T11:22:00.000-07:00

Notice was received today that a defamation suit was filed by attorneys on behalf of Mr. Rock Lobster, aka "Arthur" in regards to the post made on Monday June 25, 2007. We here at rockyandarthur blog stand behind our journalistic integrity and will not be strong armed by sue happy upstart puppies and their publicists. We will not apologize for our statements and we will not tear down the post. In fact, we have found in the archives photographic evidence of a certain pebbled crustacean engaging in a game of tug when he thought himself unobserved, leading one to the inevitable conclusion that his current actions coupled with the laughable legal dispute are nothing more than a publicity stunt, a charade intended to boost his appeal to the teenage demographic. We appeal to Mr. Lobster to cease this pretense of being the dumb sexually promiscuous blond and become a true role model to his fans.

Image from the archives of the Two Pups Historical Society

learning curve

2007-06-25T22:43:00.000-07:00

A new toy was purchased recently for the two pups, a Kong tug. What follows is a dramatic recreation of the past four days.

Day 1-

Arthur: thinks this is the best toy ever. Can't wait to play with it, is totally in love with it, so excited to get a chance to play with it, wow, wow, wow. Oh...also has no idea what to do with it.
Rocky: grrrrrrrrrr.
Day 2-

Arthur: dances enthusiastically when tug toy is brought out. Sheer proximity to the toy is delightful and filled with fun. When retrieving other toys, will bring them to the tug toy, standing on top of it. If the tug is offered to him, he will bump it with his nose.

Rocky: grrrrrrrrrrr.

Day 3-

Arthur: if toy is put inside his mouth, will spit it out, looking for a reward. Understands that it is rude to fight over something that his alphas want.
Rocky: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Day 4-

Arthur: repeated praise and coaxing has convinced him that the masters desire him to hold the tug toy. Grips it delicately in his jaws, careful not to hurt it or put undue stress upon it.
Rocky: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Seriously, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

retrieving

2007-06-21T15:11:00.000-07:00

Arthur: faithful and diligent retriever. Conscientiously fetches all thrown balls with earnest good-humor.
Rocky: opportunistic ball larcenist. Will run off at high speed with his globular prize, exulting at your failed attempts to recoup your rightful possession. It is theorized that he is in fact a Golden Pilferer*.

* The history of the Golden Pilferer dates back to Lord Swindleton, a renowned Victorian confidence man who misrepresented himself as a distant cousin to Baron Tweedmouth and procured one of the first retriever pups bred with Tweed water spaniel stock. It is believed that Reginald, Lord Swindleton's pup, is the original inventor of the Melon Drop scam.

smellovision

2007-06-21T14:55:00.000-07:00

Rocky: will expel anal glands violently upon getting his tail brushed.

Arthur: will expel anal glands daintily upon getting tail brushed. Appears quite apologetic about the whole thing.

arthur signature: the micro-tongue

2007-06-19T14:05:00.000-07:00

Exceedingly difficult to capture as the micro-tongue tends to disappear when photographic equipment is produced. It typically emerges during periods of intense concentration; usually this is when he is waiting to be released to eat food that is rightfully his. On one hilarious occasion it made its appearance during a particularly intense pee.

rocky signature: the shoe nap

2007-06-19T13:39:00.000-07:00

I have lost one pair of shoes, but I don't blame him for it. They were unworn espadrilles, which fail on two fronts. Not only did they not smell like my shoes, but they were also mostly composed of a substance that he finds consummately edible. I may as well have left it next to my cheese hat and ham hoodie.

misrepresentation

2007-06-14T13:08:00.001-07:00

Rocky: likes to experiment with tattoos to look tougher than he really is.

Arthur: sweet exterior hides his insatiable thirst for blood.

for the proletariat

2007-06-14T13:05:00.000-07:00

Rocky: not a huge fan of authority

Arthur: wrote the Puppy's Guide to Anarchy. Mostly involves pooping on government property.

yoga

2007-06-12T22:03:00.000-07:00

Arthur: practiced briefly, then gave up serenity and inner peace to become a tweaker.
Rocky: practices religiously. Became the leading guru in the western United States for facial stretches. Has 6 dvds out by Gaiam. Holds the world record for most tranquil jowls.

spare time

2007-06-10T15:58:00.000-07:00

Rocky: following in the footsteps of Sir Edmund Hillary.
Arthur: joined a street gang. Now owns Broadway between Lincoln and 14th. Do not wear red around him.

rocky signature: the fly(ing leap)

2007-06-08T17:03:00.000-07:00

Part of me wishes that fly.jpg was actually about his propensity to reenact the Kafkaesque 1986 sci-fi thriller starring Jeff Goldblum. But I suppose raw displays of athleticism will have to do.

arthur signature: the curly tail tip

2007-06-08T16:38:00.000-07:00

I want to say something stupidly cheesy like it's a giant question mark saying "What's next?" but secretly I think of the time I accidentally closed a car door on it.

calamity strikes

2007-06-05T20:48:00.000-07:00

No update tonight as Arthur's health has deteriorated terribly. We are facing some dark times ahead. In 2006 Arthur was critically wounded while rescuing a family of 7 from a barrel about to plummet over Niagara Falls. The ensuing medical problems, including the loss of his right ear flap, caused his life to spiral out of control. His therapists believe this was the incident that precipitated his tragic descent into prostitution and poverty. In recent months he bravely pulled his life together but we were dealt a devastating blow today when a routine nap on the couch ended in tragedy. When he awoke, his joie de vivre levels were critically low. While we were warned by doctors that this could happen at any time due to the nature of his ear trauma, no one expected things to decline so suddenly. He is currently on large doses of bovine hepatic supplements but without a transplant in the coming weeks, things look grim. If you would like to be tested as a potential donor or if you would like to contribute towards the exorbitant bills for his treatment, please email rockyandarthur@gmail.com. We need all of your prayers and money to get through this terrible, terrible tragedy.

Arthur now:
Arthur only a few months before:

*Due to popular demand, an amazon wishlist has been added for those who wish to contribute towards the treatment and rehabilitation of our beloved pup.

self-mutilation

2007-06-05T01:40:00.000-07:00

Arthur: set fire to tail by sticking it inside the bathroom heater. Left parting gifts of singed hair smell and dangly bits of charcoal.

Rocky: prefers the classics, gnawed out a notch after successfully catching own tail.

in the car

2007-06-05T01:27:00.000-07:00

Arthur: the perfect passenger. Very quiet, prefers to look out the window.
Rocky: highly vocal passenger. Happiest when driving, which he does frequently.

yes, this will be on the exam

2007-06-02T09:57:00.000-07:00

Rocky:
Arthur:

dress up

2007-06-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

Arthur: little red riding hood

Rocky: Swiss Miss

dining

2007-06-02T09:37:00.001-07:00

Rocky: prefers heritage pork, organic vegetables and a fine vintage of apple juice.
Arthur: will eat pretty much anything until it is definitively proven that it's not food. And possibly even then.

coquetry

2007-05-31T21:35:00.000-07:00

Arthur: kisses on the first date. Is kind of a slut.
Rocky: coy, delicate flower. Bashful and demure.

incongruity

2007-05-31T21:12:00.000-07:00

Rocky: loves the beach
hates the tub

Arthur: sleeps in the tub
thinks waves are out to get him